Saturday, September 28, 2013

Random thoughts of a Mama of a Two-year-old Boy (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #22)


Okay, apparently I am getting lazy; I don't have any other terribly good reason for my lack of daily posts. Of course, I'm not taking many pictures lately and that isn't helping either. I guess I'm just busy and feel slightly braindead by the end of the day (understatement of the year...).  I failed to mention that I got the job I was talking about last week. Of course that's good because I now have a predictable two-day-a-week work schedule; but those days are long, let me tell you! Barely any time for lunch, and it's between 10 and 11 hours between the time I leave the house to the time I get back, and I only work 10 minute drive from home. Hopefully I'll get faster with all that "paperwork" but at the rate the boss seems to pile extra stuff on, I'm not too hopeful for shorter days...but I am still somewhat hopeful.

Small boy has been having worse trouble with skipping naps; he is tired but just can't (or won't?) seem to sleep. So we decided to day that starting tomorrow, we are all just going to get up earlier in the morning; then maybe he will take his naps again and sleep better at night. As is, when he skips naps he is exhausted by 4:30 or so, in bed by 6pm, then wakes up several times in the night, then is just more tired the next day, is overtired and can't sleep, and the cycle continues... So wish us luck; it's gonna be hard to drag this Mama and Papa out of bed at 6am being as we rarely make it to bed before midnight... This is where I would insert an "Ode to Coffee" if I were more creative...

Today I was contemplating the many things you don't think of before you become a parent. Like that the light turning on in Boy's bedroom means he has climbed up and is standing on top of the changing table, and will next be getting into the rolls of wrapping paper that are hidden behind the changing table. And that you instinctively know the sound of all your safety pins being dumped out of their little box--the first time you ever heard them dump out (yes I spent 10 minutes closing them all one by one when I put them back into the little box!). And that you know the difference between the patter of those little feet on the linoleum outside the bathroom and the sound those feet make inside the bathroom, and that you have about three seconds to make it into the bathroom before he gets into the cupboard and pulls out your blow dryer (and you know that sound too) or before he turns the hot water knob on in the bathtub (because the people who designed that bathroom 50 years ago thought the tub should be facing the direction that makes the hot knob most accessible to little hands). And then you start thinking that the apartment bathroom designer person must not have had children and then you wonder if you are slightly crazy for nitpicking the direction the bathtub is turned but you know you are not crazy, you just have a two-year-old. And of course, there is always that distinctive sound of trouble, silence; today I found Boy standing on top of the back of the armchair that is in his room that I sit in when he wants to be held before bed. Yep, standing on it, rearranging the hangers in the closet (yes, I can only shake my head in dismay and think how wrong that quote is that says "God couldn't be everywhere so he made Grandmas" #1--kinda blasphemous, I don't need to explain...#2-- kiddos only survive toddlerhood because God is there watching them when Mom isn't and Grandmas certainly can't...#3--Oh my goodness where shall I start with the fallacy of that???) But you get my point, it is definitely only by the grace of God that kids make it through the body-first-brains-maybe-later stages!

Anyway, after rescuing my sewing box from Boy, playing a lot or at least trying to keep him busy playing,  then attempting naptime, we went to visit great Grandma, during which I did my normal up-and-down off the chair I was silly enough to bother sitting in, in order to keep him out of trouble, and then he fell asleep on the car ride home. Grandma commented it's a wonder I'm not as thin as a rail keeping up with him; and yes, I agree, it is a wonder how I have gained back 10 lbs in the last year... :(  I am now thoroughly exhausted so the dishes will have to wait till tomorrow. I am in this couch and not getting up... 

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Learning to live with baby loss, and a prayer request (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #21)

This picture was taken (by hubby) of me and Small Boy the morning of August 23, 2012. We had just found out the previous day that I had miscarried our second child. I was a little over 11 weeks pregnant, and the ultrasound had revealed a baby a little over 8 weeks size with no heartbeat. The next day I had a D&C; not so painful, just absolutely heartrending. I still remember those two days as though they were occurring right now. Those hours of crying together in the doctor's office, the wondering why and the wishing I would just wake up from the horrible dream.
I am slowly learning to deal with it, some days I am fine, others I still just can't seem to cope with the reality that I would have a 5ish month old baby right now.  You wonder why I picked today to write about this; it is because it takes time. Time to think, process, and sort out your emotions after losing a baby. It is something you think about daily; I am just now getting to the point where I can think about it without bawling. And I don't always think about it daily anymore. This year on August 22nd I was going to write about my story; but that day was (mercifully) filled with many things to do, besides taking care of Small Boy who was having a rough day. I wrote a post that day, but it never dawned on me what the date was. Two days later, I realized; and I felt horrible for having forgotten. But then as I was talking to hubby about it that night, I knew that while I had forgotten the exact date, I was healing. Our very precious baby #2 was in heaven in the best of circumstances, while I was caring for our precious Small Boy here on earth. We will never forget our Angel Baby, but I am also learning that part of healing is knowing that Angel Baby is in the best place possible; sitting at the feet of Jesus, free from ever having to experience the cares, sorrows, and pains of the earth.
Strange as it may sound, me coming to fully trust in that fact, of my Baby being in heaven, was hard for me. I wanted to believe it, and I didn't think for a moment otherwise. But that was not how I was raised, so I needed some solid Biblical teaching to help my belief that God would protect our little one. Hubby bought a book on his Kindle, Safe in the Arms of Jesus, by John MacArthur, which was recommended by our pastor, and I finally brought myself to read it this spring. Mamas (and Papas), who have lost your little ones, please read that book; you may cry the whole way through, as I did, but it will bring healing encouragement. Even if the material in it is just review for you, it will strengthen your spirit just to be reminded that the One who is greater than all of us is caring for your child.
One very important, but very difficult thing I learned, is that in all of the stages you go through after babyloss, that healing is not forgetting. As you go through those weeks and possibly months of PPD with no little baby in your arms, and you wish you could just sleep for the next year so you wouldn't have to deal with all the pain, just remember that in time, the pain will lessen. It will not just go away one day, you will not just all of a sudden feel better in a couple weeks. I had no idea how hard it would be to learn to adjust to life again.
"Letting go", "moving on" and such phrases come to mind as we think of how to deal with tragedies. But I immediately knew that those phrases do not work when experiencing the loss of a child. I think the best way to describe it is that I am "learning to live with it". I don't mean that in a cavalier way, but in the truest sense of those words. One of the hardest things for me was the nagging feeling that I had to forget what happened if I was ever going to feel better, but knowing full well that I would never forget, that I did not want to ever forget. I have always had the "forget about it and move on" attitude with things in life that affected me negatively, but this was a new thing, one that I would never forget and did not want to forget. I am beginning to learn that learning to live with it means just that; I move through each day knowing that my little #2 is safe in the arms of Jesus, and holding dear the Small Boy that God has given us as a precious gift here on earth. Stopping to read to and snuggle him, and never take him for granted.
Because while he will some day know about Angel Baby, he doesn't now. He just knows that he is little and needs Mama and Papa to care for him. On those nights when I am so tired and he doesn't want to sleep and he just wants to be held, I have learned to stop and pray and thank God for this precious little treasure in my arms who is growing up so fast. I pray God will help me to be a better Mama and that we will raise him to know and love the God who created and cares for him. That is what I mean by living with it. Not that Small Boy or any future children we may be blessed with will replace the one we lost; the one we lost, however, reminds us to have a more eternal perspective on the day-to-day difficulties we encounter now. Contentment that God knows best, and really believing that He does, even when I don't want to.

Now for my prayer request; one of my very dearest friends had a very tragic week last week. She lost her baby girl after 20 weeks of pregnancy. This was to be her third little girl on earth; she has two beautiful little girls who keep her busy every day, and she has already had two early-term miscarriages. I have cried and cried and prayed for her, and still am...This precious mama has a long hard road of recovery ahead of her now; I hope you will all join me in praying for her, and her hubby and daughters, as they go through this tragedy. Pray that as they come through this, they will come through even stronger as a family, and firmer in their faith in God; that He will send his angels to comfort and strengthen them each day as they heal.

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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Pinterest failures and other news... (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #20)

Okay, so you know that recipe that has been floating around Pinterest for crockpot apple crisp with just two apples? (It calls for 2 apples chopped, then 1/3 c brown sugar, a little cinnamon, 2 c oats and 4 c water). I have been wanting to try it for a while because I love the idea of getting up in the morning and having breakfast done. Take the lid off and serve it up--I mean, that is easier than coffee! Well, easier if you have to add sugar and cream to your coffee; if you drink it black than coffee is faster. But I digress. I was just so excited to get up and see my breakfast ready; but then I saw it.
Yup, it's mushy oatmeal with not enough sugar and no salt. Bleh. So I sprinkled in a little salt and added some sugar. Decent, but nothing special.
So disappointing. I ended up making Dutch Baby for Boy because he wouldn't try the oatmeal; no surprise though, considering his "refined" tastes. Then, because I cannot throw "good" food away, I dumped the leftover oatmeal in a pie pan and put it in the fridge. Maybe I'll talk myself into having some tomorrow or maybe I'll just leave it set in the fridge and then throw it away when it goes bad. I'm just not much for leftover mushy oatmeal--is that bad? So ya, my intuition saying the recipe didn't seem quite right was correct.

The other news is that I got a job today. Quite the shock really, I have been looking for something for the last year and pretty much given up. Two days per week I now get to get out of the house and talk to adults, and Small Boy gets to spend those days with Papa. It works out well for all of us :)

Anyway, hubby just brought in the mail and I got three new magazines. So I'm outa here, folks! <3



Sunday, September 15, 2013

Good deals :) (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #19)

As it happens, we had quite the eventful day. Two days ago. Yaaaaa that's me, right on top of things! Anyway, hubby had the day off Friday, so we decided to go thrift store shopping. We didn't make too many great finds, except hubby got a nice vintage jacket that he is "patiently" ;) waiting for me to wash so that he can start wearing it. (I take forever to take care of handwash projects.) (Fall is beginning, so a jacket is a nice accessory these days.) However, the last stop produced something wonderful. Yep, that little beauty of a train set; and it was only $4.99! So after Small Boy went to bed that night I had all kinds of fun cleaning and setting it up just so on his rug so he could play with it as soon as he woke up in the morning. The cars I lined up on the edge of the rug are these cool little construction rigs we found at Costco that day. They are made of kinda soft rubber and are "pull-back-let-go"; and the best part is that they won't break or hurt our feet if Mom and Dad happen to step on them. :)  (Which you may or may not know, is pretty likely if you have a busy little boy who carries his cars all over the house and leaves them in random spots right where you had a clear path to walk three seconds ago.) (Along the same lines, I have realized that parents break far more crayons by stepping on them than children ever do when coloring with them.)
As for this beauty of a dish rack, I was so happy to have acquired it that I have actually been enjoying washing dishes. You see, I have never owned a dish rack. (My mother never did either, just personal preference, I guess.) I have always had a dishwasher until this apartment, and I just never wanted to take up counter space with a dish rack, so I have always just laid any handwashed dishes on a clean towel. Of course since we moved in here, I have wanted this dish rack from Costco. But you see, I could never bring myself to spend $30 on a dish rack, no matter how nice it was -- kinda like buying expensive trash bags... Then every time I decide I will buy one of the cheaper ones at Walmart, I talk myself back out of them because they just look so small and flimsy and inadequate. Anyway, we were meandering down the kitchen wares aisle because I just always love to, and there on the shelf was this dish rack, marked "LAST ONE. $7.00"!!!! I'm pretty sure I squealed with joy right then and there and probably garnered a few funny looks. After all, how many women get excited about a boring white dish rack?! True, I really had my eye on the red one, but of course they sold out before the white ones. Anyway, I am happy to say that I think I finally am able to keep up with the dish washing around here. Who knew my problem was lack of an adequate dish drainer? But then, it has only been two days. :p

Happy Monday, everyone!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Mostly kiddo, aka life with a 2-year-old (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #18)

Okay I didn't quit blogging, it just looked like I quit. I have now returned, with a photo from today to show you how my week has been...Our two-year-old was trying to share Papa's chocolate milkshake, and laid on Papa's computer. Yes, the whole orientation was changed with just a touch of his little knee, but it took us adults more time than we care to admit to figure out how to fix it; it did not just change the orientation of web pages, I just took a picture of that to show you. No, the whole thing was changed, desktop and all. Of course the mousepad continued to operate as though the screen wasn't changed though, so let me tell you it was quite a brain-twister trying to use the mouse--up was right, down was left, right was up, and left was down!

I have had a lousy stomach bug of some sort, and to top it off, I had a working interview also. Which actually went very well, they called me back to do a second one next week. I am now sitting here on the couch, apron still on, because I am only taking a slight break from dishwashing. It seemed like every time I had a chance to wash dishes this week, I ended up with something more pressing to do. Well okay, today that thing was a nap. But yesterday that thing was running out and buying diapers. Not only does boy have eczema on his face, arms, and legs, he has now become allergic to almost every diaper out there. I tried the last holdout this week---Toys'R'Us brand; he got the worst rash where the waistband of his diaper contacts his back. So despite the fact that Costco carries Huggies at a very reasonable price, and he has used them for the last year and a half, and we have tried LITERALLY every other brand that isn't "organic, natural and incredibly expensive", we are back to the brand we used when he was tiny--Pampers. They are probably the most expensive non-organic diapers out there, but until he becomes allergic to them, that is what we are using. Yes I'm praying he doesn't become allergic to them too, because the price only goes up from there, at which point I may be tempted to potty-train, which I did not intend to do until he turns three. Sooo many people say it works best to wait until then, especially with boys, and being as I have a boy who is only barely two and still learning to ask for "nilk", I really want to wait...at least until he learns to express himself in two or three words at a time...

Anyway, I gotta get back to work. Those dirty pots I hid in the oven yesterday are not going to wash themselves...



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Saturday, September 7, 2013

Just my thoughts today...(Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #17)


It's only a little after noon and it already feels like 10pm. For some odd reason, I did not sleep much last night. And then when my alarm went off this morning, I shut it off instead of getting up and woke up an hour later and realized my awake boy was still in his crib. At this point I felt like a terrible Mom; yes the monitor had fallen off the nightstand and on it's face on the floor, which is why I didn't hear Boy sooner and get up sooner. Now, he is perfectly capable of climbing out of his crib, he just doesn't unless he feels particularly energetic and impish :) I told him this morning that in the future, he should just climb out of his crib and come get me up; I may regret that tomorrow morning, but oh well. Getting up when you are dead tired is just another facet of Mommyhood. So Boy, although he didn't climb out of bed this morning on his own, was definitely impish this morning. On top of that, I went to the grocery store for a quick few things, and forgot a few important things--like ibuprofen and dish soap. Then when I was trying to get Boy to eat his healthy "applesauce" concoction for lunch and he only wanted to eat a bit and then start throwing his Cheerios, I just began to feel confused. All these thoughts were swirling around in my tired foggy brain about "How to get your toddler to eat" and how some people say he is smart enough to learn to just eat whatever I put in front of him if only I would send him to bed without dinner a couple times, and maybe I just don't make food fun enough, and is he getting enough nutrients. Then (he is now in bed for his nap and I am having more coffee!) I opened my computer and began to read. Here about my first priority being that my heart needs to be in the right place with God, and here about Mamas just being the best that we can be for our children, loving and playing with them, instead of worrying about all of today's hotly debated "Mommy" issues.

Life isn't perfect and it never will be, even if you do have the perfect house with the perfect kitchen to cook the perfect food and the perfect budget to be able to afford all the "perfect" foods. We all have to let somethings go, compromise on some things. Because every day will be different, all your little (and big) people in your life will behave/feel a little different each day, and you will only drive yourself insane trying to keep the picture perfect life/home/kitchen/kids you envisioned when you started out on your own in life. I'm serious, you will drive yourself insane; slowly but surely it will happen. Now I don't mean literally insane. I mean the kind of insane where because you keep insisting on those perfect views of life that aren't ever going to happen, because you persist in maintaining that "flowers and butterflies and marshmallow clouds" view of how things should be, you will become increasingly discontent and unhappy. You will lose sight of the important things in life.

The MOST important thing to focus on, is your relationship with God. Seek His will, pray for His wisdom, study His Word, and all those fuzzy things in life, those confusing "should I do this or should I do it that way" things will become clear.
You can only maintain a proper balance, a happy peace in your home when it is centered around God. Put him first, and all the other things will fall into place; you will begin to see what does truly matter, and what you should just let slide. I am reminded of a Sunday School class a few years ago in which Pastor drew a large triangle on the paper and labeled each corner; the top corner being "God" and the bottom corners being "husband" and "wife". Of course that class was dealing with the basis for a proper marital relationship, but that simple illustration holds true for all of life. God should be at the top, He should be the cornerstone that all of our decisions and interactions are based on.

I know that you will all take away something slightly different from this today; but the main thing to remember is, what is the focus of my home? Is it God or is it something else, something that won't matter a hundred years from now? What is the legacy I am leaving for my children and grandchildren? Is it to be "a man after God's own heart" or is it to be someone who lives up to the world's standards for (say in my case, getting my son to eat peas)? :)  Is it being content no matter what because we have Jesus, or is it always striving to keep up with the latest standards in "whole foods eating"? (Nothing against healthy eating, by the way!)

For me, today, I need to refocus on the top of the triangle. To pick up my Bible and read it, every day, and let God be my focus. If my family is fed and clothed and has clean dishes to eat off of, then I should not be discontent that I can't always keep my sink and stovetop shiny. I will do what I can each day, and then when I start to feel overwhelmed, I need to just stop and pray. Refocus. So now I will go read my Bible, then go wash the dishes; because the dog was licking the dirty dishes, which means I really do need to get the pile a little lower. :p



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Friday, September 6, 2013

Feeding a Picky 2-Year-Old...(Project 365 Writing Photography Challenge; Post #16)


Sooo I am thinking I should really write a post, but the truth is that I am feeling completely brain dead right now. And ya know I'm feeling lazy because I took this pic with my cell phone... Anyway, I just finished off a big bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and am watching Netflix. I was also surfing some other blogs. Tonight during attempting to feed Boy something he didn't want to eat, I gave in. That's right, I dropped the burger, rice carrots, and peas all in the blender, then mixed it with applesauce and fed it to him that way. I have been saying for the last year that he doesn't need baby food anymore, so I'm not going to blender/hide his vegies. But I give up. I poured the leftover meat/veg mix into ice cube trays, then cooked/blended some peas/carrots and poured that into the remaining ice cube spots. The funny part was when hubby opened the freezer looking for ice cubes!
Well, I guess being as it is 10:30 pm and I'm not feeling inspired or opinionated enough about any other subject to write on it, I will just promise to return tomorrow with a better brain.

 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Boy's fun times, and Mom's late nights (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #15)

So yesterday we did indeed go see Great-Grandma. He really loves to visit her, I think largely for her awesome yard and big house with so many things to "explore". But as usual, after the first two hours he slowed down and started climbing up to sit by her and having her play the piano with him. He also discovered a small pair of binoculars in her office and had so much fun with them that she gave them to him. Let me tell you, that made for one happy boy!
He even woke up Papa this morning by shoving them onto Papa's eyes so he could play with them. I could only sit there and laugh :)  It really was one of the cutest things you ever saw. Boy is now supposed to be napping, and I am supposed to be making hubby lunch to eat now and dinner to take to work...and am really clueless as to what those meals are going to consist of... I've had a headache off and on every day for the last week and it is really starting to get on my nerves. It probably doesn't help that we have been staying up till after midnight the last two nights watching movies. Yes, fun, but regrettable the next morning. So tonight my plan is to go to bed by 10:30 or so. Doesn't that sound fun? :)

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #14


Well I clearly should never announce what days I am or am not going to take off from blogging; because I clearly always switch them around. You know, days get busy and life happens...

So today I made this apron. I made it slightly different from my last one, but still need to make some adjustments on the pattern for the next one. Yes, I am going to make more :) I used to have an apron that had a spot I could hang my dishtowel from, so that is what I was going for with this one; but I should have made the pocket/attachment higher, because it now pulls funny from the skirt. I'm going to do a decorative tack stitch and shorten the neck strap a bit tomorrow and then it should be perfect. It took me almost two hours to sew the borders on, and that should have only taken me 20 minutes. But you know Small Boy, up and down, round and round, into "trouble", turning my sewing machine off and on. Ya, I need my own sewing room so I can do these things after he's in bed at night... :)

Anyway, tonight is movie date night (Netflix rocks for parents!) so I gotta go :)  I may go visit Grandma tomorrow, we'll see how boy does with nap...

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #13

I know I said I wasn't going to post today, but I got this picture this morning and just couldn't help but share it :)  Small Boy put Papa's shoes on, then grabbed Papa's hand and took him for a walk through the house, sippy cup in hand. It was really the cutest thing you ever saw. And no, I'm not the slighted bit predjudiced ;)   Anyway, I'm signing back off now, because although Boy is supposed to be napping, he has mastered exiting his crib. 3 times so far in less than an hour and I don't think he's any closer to sleeping. In fact, he is in his bed having quite the conversation with Scout (talking singing dog).  I was just thinking, I put up the long banner of teddy bears I made for his birthday around his room, and he was pretty excited to see them all up there, so it may be my fault he's not in the mood to nap. Anyway, I'm going to eat lunch real quick while I have the chance then since he probably won't be asleep will let him back up. At least he is finally obeying and staying in bed for the moment. And of course no nap means early bedtime; so yay for Mommy! :)