Sleeplessness Somewhere South of Seattle

Ohhhh. So why is it that I can compose such good posts in my head while making breakfast but suddenly forget everything when I sit down after lunch (boy asleep) to write? Anyway, I should be finishing putting the groceries away, washing dishes and making dinner, but instead I'm sitting down with coffee and doughnut holes. Nevermind the fact that I have already had about 16 oz each of coffee and Mountain Dew today. Also nevermind the fact that I stood in Costco not two hours ago and debated over which frozen vegies to buy because I "wanted" to go on my diet. But the doughnut holes were purchased last night when I had a bad headache and had just cashed my paycheck, so they were a great idea at the time; and I never let good food go to waste, so it is incumbent upon me to eat the last two now.
Anyhow, we are all very exhausted around here. Small boy has decided that it is fun to climb out of his crib, much more fun than staying in it and going to sleep. So he has been falling asleep at 11pm out of sheer exhaustion, usually with me holding him, and getting up at 7am (or earlier) every day. He usually takes a nap, also only because I will sit and hold him. If he skips his nap, then he goes to bed easily and early, about 6pm, but then wakes up to party for a couple hours in the middle of the night. A few days ago that time was from 11pm till 2:30am. If I keep him up past 6pm with no nap then at that point he is very sleep deprived and we have a meltdown and then the middle-of-the-night party still happens and is much less of a party... So we pretty much make sure the nap happens come what may. A friend of mine told me her children both did the jack-in-the-box routine around age 2, and it lasted about a month and a half; so I'm guessing we have another 4 or 5 weeks of this fun. Yay. Anyone else with experience in this area?
Well, I gotta scoot, just remembered I gotta do some ironing, add buttonholes to shirts, and properly re-allocate the cash in my spending envelopes after all the shopping we did today, in addition to the above-listed items. And we are trying Kirkland Signature diapers this time around; HOPING they don't give him a rash (haven't tried them since long before he started becoming allergic to everything) because they are so much cheaper than Pampers. Fingers crossed!

Thankfulness--because it should be all year long, not just in November!

Okay, this is going to sound super lame. I just opened my blog page to begin this post and was startled to see the photo of my most recent post. Yep, I completely forgot that I had actually finished and posted that post. Sad, I know; and now you know how bad my memory is. My poor family...

Anyway, today I am composing a list of blessings for Mamas to count.
1. Be thankful you are getting no peace when you are in the bathroom -- at least you know exactly where that 2-year-old is instead of wondering why he's being so quiet SOMEWHERE ELSE.
2.  It's a good thing to do taxes--either you are getting a refund (always good!) or you are getting to discover what a good income God blessed you with last year (as you write that check to the IRS and wonder if you skip signing it if they will send it back and give you a little more time before you have to pay that bill!).
3. It's pouring down rain as you head out the door with the kids in tow so you can go to the Post Office to mail and important document that you don't want to get wet. -- At least it's not snowy/icy like it was last week! (Yep, I know, there is no good way to look at standing in line at the PO, especially with kids!)
4. Two-year-old getting out of bed a million times when he's supposed to be going to sleep--you are getting exercise when you would otherwise sit on your duff for an hour watching Downton Abby. (I know I'm grasping at strings there but that was my Sunday evening so what can I say...)
5. Well, why should it be five things? I'm gonna leave it at four, because multitasking anymore may just put me over the top.
I think that's going to be my mission for today, focus on a few things to be thankful for as I go about my day today, tomorrow pick a few different things, and soforth for this week.
What are you choosing to be thankful for today?

My Decorating Brilliance :)

In case you don't know, I really enjoy magazines. I think I currently am subscribing to 5 different ones, but I have honestly lost track. It works nicely this way, I always have something to read that doesn't involve a computer screen. Anyway, my latest epiphany--I am seriously ahead of the times, home-decor wise. I mean, I decided several months ago that I am doing yellow and green in my kitchen. And then I get the February issue of Better Homes and Gardens and realize that yellow and green are the new "in" colors! Which makes life very handy for me this spring. You see, I told Mom that my kitchen is changing to yellow and green and she asked if it was the same yellow/gold and olive that were in when she was my age. But of course not :) I have a few olive colored decorator glass pieces, but I am going more for a lighter green and lightish yellow (and touches of red and brown to ground it.). In fact, I bought my yellow KitchenAid mixer a year ago! I just have always loved green and yellow (And I should add, as my Oregon State graduated brother was worried about this, I am NOT going for the Oregon Duck colors; in fact the correlation had not entered my head until he brought it up!)  Anyhow, as I was saying, my timing for my color decision couldn't have been better--my Mom got me some cute colorful measuring cups and spoons, a yellow butter pot (goodbye slippery butter dish lid!) and some cute yellow and green ramekins (I should also add that she also got me 8. These of course go very nicely with the set of green KitchenAid cooking utensils my sweet hubby got me for Christmas. So being as I am still rebuilding my kitchen supplies (most of mine when AWOL when we moved across country two years ago) this is the perfect year to finish that process up! Besides, having lots of pretty colors to cook with makes the process so much more fun and cheerful, don't you think?

In other news, the ice around here is finally melting, thank you God!!! Our parking lot was so bad yesterday that it took hubby 15 minutes to even get into it last night after work. We decided to stay home from church today for that reason--the roads are okay, but if we can't get safely out of our parking lot... So we had family Bible reading from the safety of our living room today, and I'm sure we weren't the only ones! 

Winter Storm #2. Like, REALLY???

Aiyiyi... I'm trying not to look out the window. Well nevermind, I just did. 8" of snow in the past two days, in a city which rarely gets snow so doesn't believe in using salt (it's not "environmentally friendly"...) and can't be bothered to use the three plows they own. My hubby barely made it out of our icy parking lot and onto the main road (all side roads are nightmares) just now so he could go to work this afternoon. It was supposed to warm up today but instead we had freezing rain so who know what what will be coming next. I gotta admit, I'm already nervous about getting to work on Monday :(  Although I did just check weather.com which states that it is supposed to be above freezing by tomorrow early morning and a high of 46 degrees. So maybe it will all melt tomorrow. I never minded this kind of weather in the midwest, but here in the southern northwest it is just an absolute pain.

Anyhow, hubby and I had the wonderful pleasure of a date two days ago! Jerry Seinfeld was in town performing and hubby bought tickets months ago. Of course that was the day this whole snow/ice thing started, but we were not to be deterred. So we trekked carefully across town to drop Boy off with his uncle and aunt, then back across town where we had a very nice steak dinner (probably the nicest we have ever had in our 9+ years of marriage!) and then went across the street to the theater where we spent one of the most fun evenings of our married adventure together. Totally worth braving the elements for, and would do it again in a heartbeat!

Then back across the snow to get Boy. After we dropped the sleeping angel in bed, we got to go in search of the bad smell that met us when we walked in the front door. (This is nearing 11pm, mind you.) Sure enough, found the source; dog had gotten sick on the living room floor while we were gone. Why oh why did that dog have to get into the garbage the day before??? Cleaned up the carpet, got in bed and to sleep after 11pm. Then at 4am was awakened by dog being sick again, had to get up and clean the carpet again, went back to bed for about 1.5 hours then got up and went to work. Which was a slow day which thankfully ended early---it took me 15 minutes to clean off/dig out my car so I could get out of the parking lot and make my way home. I'm really wishing I had taken a pic with my phone so I could share it here; but I was just focused on getting out of that parking lot in one piece by then... Gotta admit, I'm not sure when was the last time that weather has stressed me out as badly as it has the last couple of days. So now, just trying to relax and enjoy the weekend. Oh wait, I have a sink full of dishes. Oh well, it was a nice thought anyway!

Getting Older

Ehhhhh, well tomorrow I turn 32. I know, to some people that sounds so old, and to others it sounds so young. I'm NOT going to do what seems to be the usual these days and say "OHHHH I'm SOOOO OLD!" I have seen numerous posts lately on Facebook where people younger than me are complaining that they are getting SO OLD as they turn 25 or 28 or 31. Um hello! Do you realize you are telling every other person who is older than you that they are SO VERY OLD!? It can irritate them "just a touch". I have decided the best thing to do as I age is to just be thankful to God for another year. I remember when my Mom turned 50; she was so happy because she was recovered from her bout with breast cancer and feeling so much better. She was just thankful to God for another year!

Last weekend we celebrated our birthdays together, as hers is four days after mine. We all met at the waterfront carousel and the kiddos got to ride the carousel then all over the playground equipment then we went to the children's museum where we had lunch outside while I tried to get my active boy to not climb over the back of the bench we were sitting on then we went in and looked at all the cool kiddo-interesting things including a very cool train which Boy LOVED then went back outside and followed the kiddos up and down a very high jungle gym maze then did birthday gifts then went our separate ways back home. Yes, I realize that was a horrible run-on sentence, but if you read it out loud you will feel out of breath and a little tired, which is how I felt after that day. And the day wasn't even over; on the hour drive home Boy fell quickly asleep (good!) then we picked hubby up from work and went to spend the evening with hubby's brother and sis-in-law and their baby girl. She is such a funny small one, she tries to follow Boy around and he wants to play with her but doesn't know what to do with her; so he tries to pick her up which works out about as well as you can imagine if a 2.5 year old picked up a 1 year old. Yes, overall, a lot of fun that day!

Anyway, I just stopped to get a cup of tea and remembered that I have a pile of laundry to fold.
Adios for now, friends!

And I'm back, promptly and randomly on January 11th!

Oh wow! I've been very absentee, basically an unannounced and indefinite break to recharge my brain. It felt like November and December just sucked the life right out of me. Not the "stressful holidays" thing, because I love the holidays! I think it was my job; it was not going well and me being generally tired/exhausted anyway, I just couldn't find the gumption to fix things. But then we had nearly two weeks off over Christmas and New Years, and this was my first week back, and I must say it went better. At least the powers that be were happier with me; I don't think I changed much, but things are improving, at least this week, we'll see about next week...   
So my brain feels finally back to writing capacity. And that is not because of a more organized life, trust me! I think I must have just been experiencing writer's block. Anyway, my house is the picture of disarray; we bought a desk for hubby, and it was delivered yesterday. It is now sitting in the middle of the living room because I need to do some organizing/rearranging in the room it will go in. Yes, I have my work cut out for me today! So right now, I am working on my second large mug of coffee while Boy watches Curious George; I told him that when this episode is over, he has to get up and play. Which means Mommy will have to get up and get to work around here... Also, there is a very large batch of dirty dishes in the kitchen. You see, Boy woke up sick on New Year's Day--fever, cough, and general misery. Then it went round our little family--next to Papa and then Mama. I still don't feel up to par, but at least I'm not constantly blowing my nose; however my head feels stuffy and weird, so it would probably be better if it would all drain out. I am thinking right now that I would like to spend the rest of the weekend lounging and getting better but I can't do that; hubby is working the next two days and then I am working the two days after that, so I just gotta drink plenty of tea with honey in it and some airborne and hope I get better. Maybe I will try getting to bed before 11pm--that might help!
Well, Boy is up and running, so I better be too.
See you tomorrow!

Hello, I'm still here!

Okay just a quick note to say I'm still alive and kickin'. I now know why most "mommy blogs" are run by SAHM's. Because if you have been out at work (talked and carried on conversations with random strangers) all day, the last thing you want to do is come home and talk some more. Now I know, I only work two days per week (except this week turns out to be four days), but still I feel rather brain-dead lately when it comes to chatting topics. But here is one pet peeve I have: the term "SAHM". It implies we sit at home all day and do nothing because after all we just stay at home. NOT TRUE!!!! As any mother will tell you, whether she works outside the home or not, that being a "Mom" is a 24-hour-a-day-7-days-a-week wear-you-out endeavor. We don't just sit around while the guys go to work. So we need to come up with  a new term for Mommies who don't work outside the home. And yes, I'm too tired to come up with any ideas right now, so will just have to sit on that one.

In the mean time, I have a pile of laundry to fold and should feed the kiddo dinner...

TTFN!

A Blog Announcement, and Some Thoughts...

So first of all, I'm done. I officially give up. That's right, I cannot post every day, much less post pictures every day. So my "Project 365" lasted maybe a whole 65 days, and a lot less than that if you count the number of posts... I'm just gonna do my best to have fun on here, because that was the whole original point anyway--me having fun writing and hoping that other people enjoy reading it. I figure it like this: I am not always a prolific person, and if there's anything worse than writing when you have no ideas, it is reading what that person wrote when they had no thoughts swirling around worth putting down: am I right, people?

I do hereby promise never to write when I have no purposeful thoughts.

One thought I did have a few minutes ago was why does Pampers bother making their "Overnight Protection" diapers? In my experience with diapers (considerable especially in the last several months), overnight diapers should hold more pee than regular diapers. It is that way with Huggies. But I honestly cannot tell the difference with the Pampers. Their overnight diapers are no better than the Swaddlers, and I think maybe the Swaddlers are a tiny bit better. Anyway, the Swaddlers are officially the winning diapers here, sooo glad they are in the bigger sizes now!

Also, I made breakfast cookies today, and they were awesome. I found the recipe on someone else's blog via pinterest. I think the only thing I might do different would be to add some dried fruit, like raisins or maybe blueberries (or chocolate chips, but chocolate should not be a normal breakfast ingredient, should it? If I'm going to eat chocolate for breakfast I'll just eat it straight instead of mixing it in to something healthy ;)  ). Also I didn't have any plain yogurt so I just used some peach yogurt; I couldn't tell the difference and hubby certainly hasn't noticed!  But now I am out of oats, raisins and dried blueberries not to mention chocolate chips. Yep I better quit this and go add those things to my list.

Life Passes On--What Will You Leave Behind?

So I found out several days after I wrote the last post that my Grandpa had passed away the day before--October 9th. He was 93 years old and was a good man who was very devoted to his wife and loved his children and grandchildren. We were, thankfully, able to go to his funeral; it was an 8 hour drive each way but Small Boy did amazingly well even though it was a very long 2 days. I learned several things about him at his funeral that I never knew, such as he was a poet; I knew he loved reading poetry but I didn't know he wrote it. He also wrote an autobiography, which we are looking forward to reading once Dad gets us a copy. Grandpa even had well-laid-out funeral plans that not even Grandma knew about--she and Dad discovered them in his files; it was amazing hearing Grandpa singing Taps at his own funeral, and hearing the final farewell letter he wrote to be read at his graveside service.

A death of someone in the family, someone who has been around longer than any of the rest of us, really makes you think. Makes you think about your own life, makes you reevaluate what you are doing with your life, what is really important in the end, where you will spend eternity, in essence, what the chief end of man is. It makes you better know the rest of your family/friends who are entwined in that person's life, for better or worse...  And it also gives you a looser grip on things--you know, the things that seem so important now that may not have any significance at all later--those little squabbles with your spouse, irritations with your kids, etc. Because what really matters in the end is our love for God, and how we loved and cared for the people we left behind; did we leave behind painful memories and regrets for people to deal with on top of us leaving them, or did we leave them smiles and love to comfort them in their grief? No relationship is perfect, and that includes my grandparents marriage, but do you know what Grandpa left Grandma to remember after their 67 years of marriage? In Grandpa's last years he had severe dimentia and could hardly speak; but he carried around with him a card that said "I Love You" and would every day throughout the day, come up to Grandma when she was busy doing things, tap her on the shoulder and show her that card. THAT, people, is what we should focus most on leaving as our legacy. LOVE. And how much more love do we as Christians have to offer; for we have Christ as the greatest example of love-giving ever--He gave Himself that we might live again, in eternity with Him!

So as you go about your days and weeks and you feel yourself burdened with the cares of this world, do not give them more energy than necessary. Give your energy to loving those around you, and show them the perfect love that Christ gave you.

 

AWOL; Busy just being a Mama! (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #24)

"Hewwo, I'm back!" (Visualize that said by a curly blond 2-year-old boy). I guess I just have to admit to myself that this project is going to more like keeping this blog going for 365 days, as opposed to my original goal of 365 posts in a year. Honestly, I have been just so tired at the end of every day that I just drop on the couch with no thoughts in my brain but what those of whatever show I choose to watch on Netflix puts there.
Complete exhaustion is getting old. Really old. I'm sorry but I'm just being honest. Some days I get discouraged that I'm not "that Mom" that you hear of so often these days on blogs or the impressions you get of what a mom should be like on Pinterest. And then I occasionally find one that reminds me that my daily life is normal; that life as a mom is never "perfect". It is not always homemade bread, whole natural foods that the whole family loves, clean dishes and a shiny kitchen. It is not a always a mom who happily says that she can do "it all" because sleep is optional and she thrives on burning the candle at both ends. Don't get me wrong, it is sometimes those things, and some moms can thrive on 5 hours of sleep each night (but that's not me!). Yes, of course, we all try to feed our families healthy food, and we always try to give our families all of ourselves and more, because that is who we are. We are always trying to do the best we can for our families.
Here is what my real life has been lately. Going to bed to late, and yet still getting up at 6:30am because I know that if I get up (and get Boy up) much later than that, then he won't take a nap, then he will be over-tired come 5:30pm and fall asleep in the living room. I transfer him to his bed and he sleeps all night; but it is the next week of naps and bedtimes that we pay for that one missed nap. That being said, he is a very busy boy with a growing brain who likes to talk to all his "friends" instead of napping even on a good day. Breakfast consists of Honey Nut Cheerios and milk, then Cream of Wheat or pancakes or dutch baby, or french toast. Lately, lunch has been pepperoni and possibly yogurt then goldfish and frequently more cheerios. Then dinner is canned tomato soup to which I add grated cheese that I get in a 5lb bag from Costco, more pepperoni and goldfish, topped off with homemade peanut butter cookies (which have regular sugar and white flour and butter or margarine and Skippy). He quit eating applesauce last week and hasn't eaten oatmeal or scrambled eggs in months. He loves Fruities (Beechnut or Parent's Choice) provided they don't have pears in them; something about the consistency of pears is bad, he never has liked them, and believe me, it's not for lack of me making him eat them!
But here's the thing, those issues of what he will or won't eat and how many naps he actually took this week are not what life as a mama is all about. Those are of course important factors that every good mama works on, but they are not the defining moments. Being a mama is reading him a story only to have him completely change the subject and start pointing out the various animals on the back of the Golden Book, complete with awesome "ephant" squeals. It is getting out the alphabet puzzle and seeing that he knows where all the letters go, even though he gets sidetracked halfway through putting it together. It is him hearing a firetruck and saying "Whas dat?" several times until he makes the connection between the sound and the sound his Mickey firetruck makes and his little face lights up as he understands. It is him saying "Tank ou, nor welc" when the fast food guy hands us the bag that he knows contains frys for him--he has started adding "your welcome" after "thank you" because we always say it to him so he thinks he is supposed to say both phrases together. It is when I take him to bed at night and he says "chair, hold?" and then when I sit he curls up his little legs and snuggles up with his head under my chin and chatters as he tries so hard to stay awake and I try to tell him it is time for ni-nites and then I fall asleep before he does. It is the way he gets sooo excited when Papa gets home from work, and immediately wants to be picked up so he can chatter and then wants back down and starts telling Papa about his animals. It is the way he will run into the kitchen or whatever room we are in and say "Hi! Whatcha doin'?" every 30 seconds. It is indeed just all those little wonderful things that we enjoy every day and can easily be forgotten if we get bogged down in the minutia of what he "should be" eating or how much he "should be" talking or whether he "should be" potty trained.
He is growing and learning each day, and in the blink of an eye he will be a teenager and blink again and he will be a Papa and we will be grandparents. You see, I am realizing (and yes I'm also preaching to myself here) that each day we must focus on the happy things, the fun things, the things that make us smile. Then we can truly be content each day and be ready and refreshed to face whatever eating and sleeping challenges may come. I will probably always be a little exhausted as long as I have little ones running around, no matter how good my routines I develop. No matter how experienced I may get over the years with the picky 2-year-old phase, I will still encounter days that make me want to throw up my hands and just give them cookies for breakfast. But that's okay because that's just part of what real life is like. For most of us mamas, anyway.
And now I will head back to finish up some kitchen work and promise to try to return in less than 10 days next time.

I am a bit of a distracted, scatter-brained work-aholic; it's not my fault though, I was born this way! (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #23)

Does your day ever feel like that? Like all the various parts of it are like those dinosaur "stickies" scattered every which way over the tv screen--no seeming orderliness with maybe a hint of a blur? Mine often does, but here's hope (you know, can't fix the problem until you have a diagnosis). I have "discovered" a "new" Mommy disorder today; it's actually a version of ADD ;) and it's not really ADD, it's called Multi-tasking Mama Syndrome, or MTMS (because MMS is already taken :/ )  I definitely have his disorder; I was trying to clean off the pile on my one "free" counter space and found myself putting away the ironing board, scrubbing the toilet bowl, and I don't know what else... I don't really have ADD, but I have become such a multi-tasker, always feeling the need to be busy and get things done, that I can drive myself a little crazy with it, especially since if you are multi-tasking too much you don't ever finish any of those fifteen projects...  The following paragraphs illustrate my point.

Am I crazy? It is nearly 10pm and I am so tired I cannot get off this couch. I want to cross stitch, but I know I will mess up on my counting, and then spend another night taking it out... But I always feel I should be doing something, I cannot just sit here, even though I cannot peel myself off the couch. So I am writing. While watching the Dick Van Dyke show. Because I cannot just sit and watch apparently. But this is using up my nervous energy enough so that at least I am not feeling completely berserk. And I also just remembered I owe my Grandma a letter, maybe I should start that too...
You see, I come from a seemingly long line of work-aholics. Which drives my husband nuts. I am probably the mildest in my family. Two of my brothers cannot sleep in or sit still to save their lives; I clearly remember a vacation with one brother in which the last day at the cabin we were staying, he wanted us all up by 7am so he could get the sheets off our beds to start the laundry, never mind he already had the washer running and he wouldn't be ready for our sheets for another hour and a half :) And it's not like there was even a check-out time to worry about, the cabin belonged to a friend of his :)  Do not worry though, little brother, I am only amused and was awake and ready to get up anyway. And we did have a wonderful weekend!
My other brother gets up at 4 or 5 am to have a long workout every morning before he goes to work, then works out again after work! I don't remember my Mom ever sitting down to read a book just for fun, she was always too busy!
Now at the old age of 30+, I am having to just learn to relax, because all this being constantly busy is bothering my blood pressure. Well at least it's bothering my heart rate...So I think I should just shut this computer and do something more relaxing like read a magazine. Or write in my journal--by hand; that at least forces me to move slower since I cannot write as fast as I can type. 

A few days ago I caught myself watching something on Netflix, reading a magazine, and eating, all at once. And I noticed I was only feeling more stressed and less relaxed. The ironic part was I was reading an article about how women need to truly relax more; about how we as a group have to learn to relax. It was saying how most of us, if we just took some time to ourselves for just a short while, we (and our families!) would feel better! Of course, then it described exactly what that might mean and it definitely did not involve multi-tasking! For me, it means if I sit down to watch something, then I am ONLY watching (well, and probably eating or sipping coffee). If I am cross-stitching and want to watch something, then I will pick something I have seen many times so that the background noise is just relaxing and since I already know the story line, I can just look up and listen occasionally (for that I will pick Everybody Loves Raymond, or maybe Sleepless in Seattle, or, well, you get the point). Now, if you are not a Type A, you will probably just shake your head and conclude that I am a little bit nuts; but if you are like me, please try to take some time to yourself today. Close your computer (or at least quit trying to read useful things) and just chill! The dirty dishes, the grocery list, the meal planning, and the mopping can wait. Right now you just need to breathe. And yes I am preaching to myself, so with that, I am going to close my computer and eat lunch. Then maybe I will feel less light-headed and out of breath. :p

 I'm linking up today with

Random thoughts of a Mama of a Two-year-old Boy (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #22)

Okay, apparently I am getting lazy; I don't have any other terribly good reason for my lack of daily posts. Of course, I'm not taking many pictures lately and that isn't helping either. I guess I'm just busy and feel slightly braindead by the end of the day (understatement of the year...).  I failed to mention that I got the job I was talking about last week. Of course that's good because I now have a predictable two-day-a-week work schedule; but those days are long, let me tell you! Barely any time for lunch, and it's between 10 and 11 hours between the time I leave the house to the time I get back, and I only work 10 minute drive from home. Hopefully I'll get faster with all that "paperwork" but at the rate the boss seems to pile extra stuff on, I'm not too hopeful for shorter days...but I am still somewhat hopeful.

Small boy has been having worse trouble with skipping naps; he is tired but just can't (or won't?) seem to sleep. So we decided to day that starting tomorrow, we are all just going to get up earlier in the morning; then maybe he will take his naps again and sleep better at night. As is, when he skips naps he is exhausted by 4:30 or so, in bed by 6pm, then wakes up several times in the night, then is just more tired the next day, is overtired and can't sleep, and the cycle continues... So wish us luck; it's gonna be hard to drag this Mama and Papa out of bed at 6am being as we rarely make it to bed before midnight... This is where I would insert an "Ode to Coffee" if I were more creative...

Today I was contemplating the many things you don't think of before you become a parent. Like that the light turning on in Boy's bedroom means he has climbed up and is standing on top of the changing table, and will next be getting into the rolls of wrapping paper that are hidden behind the changing table. And that you instinctively know the sound of all your safety pins being dumped out of their little box--the first time you ever heard them dump out (yes I spent 10 minutes closing them all one by one when I put them back into the little box!). And that you know the difference between the patter of those little feet on the linoleum outside the bathroom and the sound those feet make inside the bathroom, and that you have about three seconds to make it into the bathroom before he gets into the cupboard and pulls out your blow dryer (and you know that sound too) or before he turns the hot water knob on in the bathtub (because the people who designed that bathroom 50 years ago thought the tub should be facing the direction that makes the hot knob most accessible to little hands). And then you start thinking that the apartment bathroom designer person must not have had children and then you wonder if you are slightly crazy for nitpicking the direction the bathtub is turned but you know you are not crazy, you just have a two-year-old. And of course, there is always that distinctive sound of trouble, silence; today I found Boy standing on top of the back of the armchair that is in his room that I sit in when he wants to be held before bed. Yep, standing on it, rearranging the hangers in the closet (yes, I can only shake my head in dismay and think how wrong that quote is that says "God couldn't be everywhere so he made Grandmas" #1--kinda blasphemous, I don't need to explain...#2-- kiddos only survive toddlerhood because God is there watching them when Mom isn't and Grandmas certainly can't...#3--Oh my goodness where shall I start with the fallacy of that???) But you get my point, it is definitely only by the grace of God that kids make it through the body-first-brains-maybe-later stages!

Anyway, after rescuing my sewing box from Boy, playing a lot or at least trying to keep him busy playing,  then attempting naptime, we went to visit great Grandma, during which I did my normal up-and-down off the chair I was silly enough to bother sitting in, in order to keep him out of trouble, and then he fell asleep on the car ride home. Grandma commented it's a wonder I'm not as thin as a rail keeping up with him; and yes, I agree, it is a wonder how I have gained back 10 lbs in the last year... :(  I am now thoroughly exhausted so the dishes will have to wait till tomorrow. I am in this couch and not getting up... 

Learning to live with baby loss, and a prayer request (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #21)

This picture was taken (by hubby) of me and Small Boy the morning of August 23, 2012. We had just found out the previous day that I had miscarried our second child. I was a little over 11 weeks pregnant, and the ultrasound had revealed a baby a little over 8 weeks size with no heartbeat. The next day I had a D&C; not so painful, just absolutely heartrending. I still remember those two days as though they were occurring right now. Those hours of crying together in the doctor's office, the wondering why and the wishing I would just wake up from the horrible dream.
I am slowly learning to deal with it, some days I am fine, others I still just can't seem to cope with the reality that I would have a 5ish month old baby right now.  You wonder why I picked today to write about this; it is because it takes time. Time to think, process, and sort out your emotions after losing a baby. It is something you think about daily; I am just now getting to the point where I can think about it without bawling. And I don't always think about it daily anymore. This year on August 22nd I was going to write about my story; but that day was (mercifully) filled with many things to do, besides taking care of Small Boy who was having a rough day. I wrote a post that day, but it never dawned on me what the date was. Two days later, I realized; and I felt horrible for having forgotten. But then as I was talking to hubby about it that night, I knew that while I had forgotten the exact date, I was healing. Our very precious baby #2 was in heaven in the best of circumstances, while I was caring for our precious Small Boy here on earth. We will never forget our Angel Baby, but I am also learning that part of healing is knowing that Angel Baby is in the best place possible; sitting at the feet of Jesus, free from ever having to experience the cares, sorrows, and pains of the earth.
Strange as it may sound, me coming to fully trust in that fact, of my Baby being in heaven, was hard for me. I wanted to believe it, and I didn't think for a moment otherwise. But that was not how I was raised, so I needed some solid Biblical teaching to help my belief that God would protect our little one. Hubby bought a book on his Kindle, Safe in the Arms of Jesus, by John MacArthur, which was recommended by our pastor, and I finally brought myself to read it this spring. Mamas (and Papas), who have lost your little ones, please read that book; you may cry the whole way through, as I did, but it will bring healing encouragement. Even if the material in it is just review for you, it will strengthen your spirit just to be reminded that the One who is greater than all of us is caring for your child.
One very important, but very difficult thing I learned, is that in all of the stages you go through after babyloss, that healing is not forgetting. As you go through those weeks and possibly months of PPD with no little baby in your arms, and you wish you could just sleep for the next year so you wouldn't have to deal with all the pain, just remember that in time, the pain will lessen. It will not just go away one day, you will not just all of a sudden feel better in a couple weeks. I had no idea how hard it would be to learn to adjust to life again.
"Letting go", "moving on" and such phrases come to mind as we think of how to deal with tragedies. But I immediately knew that those phrases do not work when experiencing the loss of a child. I think the best way to describe it is that I am "learning to live with it". I don't mean that in a cavalier way, but in the truest sense of those words. One of the hardest things for me was the nagging feeling that I had to forget what happened if I was ever going to feel better, but knowing full well that I would never forget, that I did not want to ever forget. I have always had the "forget about it and move on" attitude with things in life that affected me negatively, but this was a new thing, one that I would never forget and did not want to forget. I am beginning to learn that learning to live with it means just that; I move through each day knowing that my little #2 is safe in the arms of Jesus, and holding dear the Small Boy that God has given us as a precious gift here on earth. Stopping to read to and snuggle him, and never take him for granted.

Because while he will some day know about Angel Baby, he doesn't now. He just knows that he is little and needs Mama and Papa to care for him. On those nights when I am so tired and he doesn't want to sleep and he just wants to be held, I have learned to stop and pray and thank God for this precious little treasure in my arms who is growing up so fast. I pray God will help me to be a better Mama and that we will raise him to know and love the God who created and cares for him. That is what I mean by living with it. Not that Small Boy or any future children we may be blessed with will replace the one we lost; the one we lost, however, reminds us to have a more eternal perspective on the day-to-day difficulties we encounter now. Contentment that God knows best, and really believing that He does, even when I don't want to.

Now for my prayer request; one of my very dearest friends had a very tragic week last week. She lost her baby girl after 20 weeks of pregnancy. This was to be her third little girl on earth; she has two beautiful little girls who keep her busy every day, and she has already had two early-term miscarriages. I have cried and cried and prayed for her, and still am...This precious mama has a long hard road of recovery ahead of her now; I hope you will all join me in praying for her, and her hubby and daughters, as they go through this tragedy. Pray that as they come through this, they will come through even stronger as a family, and firmer in their faith in God; that He will send his angels to comfort and strengthen them each day as they heal.

I'm linking up today with

Pinterest failures and other news... (Project 365 Writing/Photography Challenge; Post #20)

Okay, so you know that recipe that has been floating around Pinterest for crockpot apple crisp with just two apples? (It calls for 2 apples chopped, then 1/3 c brown sugar, a little cinnamon, 2 c oats and 4 c water). I have been wanting to try it for a while because I love the idea of getting up in the morning and having breakfast done. Take the lid off and serve it up--I mean, that is easier than coffee! Well, easier if you have to add sugar and cream to your coffee; if you drink it black than coffee is faster. But I digress. I was just so excited to get up and see my breakfast ready; but then I saw it.

Yup, it's mushy oatmeal with not enough sugar and no salt. Bleh. So I sprinkled in a little salt and added some sugar. Decent, but nothing special.

So disappointing. I ended up making Dutch Baby for Boy because he wouldn't try the oatmeal; no surprise though, considering his "refined" tastes. Then, because I cannot throw "good" food away, I dumped the leftover oatmeal in a pie pan and put it in the fridge. Maybe I'll talk myself into having some tomorrow or maybe I'll just leave it set in the fridge and then throw it away when it goes bad. I'm just not much for leftover mushy oatmeal--is that bad? So ya, my intuition saying the recipe didn't seem quite right was correct.

The other news is that I got a job today. Quite the shock really, I have been looking for something for the last year and pretty much given up. Two days per week I now get to get out of the house and talk to adults, and Small Boy gets to spend those days with Papa. It works out well for all of us :)

Anyway, hubby just brought in the mail and I got three new magazines. So I'm outa here, folks! <3